I, like many of you, am a Father and a Husband. I find new and interesting ways to perform each of my job descriptions incorrectly on a daily basis (i.e. hourly).
I am not “Handy”. As a matter of fact, a man who has lost both arms in a Sawmill accident could probably be described as more “Handy” than me.
I am disorganized. I buy daytimer calendars twice a year. I always seem to lose them and then find them 6 months later in the trunk of my car. I’m due to buy another one next Thursday. I’ve already got a spot in my trunk for it.
I’m sure that I’m somehow screwing my kids up although that won’t really be identified for a few years. By then, Mary and I will be living in Aruba and taking calls from only the normal ones.
So, knowing my many shortcomings, I realize that my wife has the market cornered on good parenting information and techniques. She is a rock. Without Mary here, this place would crumble into a pile of Nacho-Cheese-Flavored rubble in about 48 hours.
THAT BEING SAID, every once in a blue moon, I have a very useful piece of information with regard to the kiddies. Yeah, yeah, teaching Gregory the sleeper hold was a mistake…and SURE, I know NOW that cooking spray should only be used for cooking and not for a game called MEGASLIDE….and the Pop Tart incident of 2004…let’s not even go there.
BUT I DIGRESS! I sometimes strike gold inside this melon I call a head.
In this case, I’m referring to the ‘holding of the baby’. Big Fat Ted is now 18 months old. He weighs approximately the same as a Ford F-150. Mary tells me how she’s so tired and beat down holding Little Refrigerator Teddy all day and how he cries every second she’s not holding him.
I then break it down for her. I tell her how, when she goes on errands and is out for awhile, Theodore cries at my feet for around 5 minutes. Outside of him being in distress or hurt, I don’t immediately grab him. After that, my man plays happily in my area for an hour at a time…EASY. My lovely wife’s response to me? “I’m sure that’s true, but I can’t do it.” WHAA???
I’m like Boris. You know Boris, right? He was the dorky intern at Chernobyl that kept saying, “Guys. I really think the coffee maker is too close to the reactor core. This could be trouble.” haha Boris. Go sweep the breakroom again.
I’m like Jimmy Ray. J.R. was a lowly unpaid graduate assistant on Bob Stoops staff during the 2007 Fiesta Bowl vs. Boise State. ”Coach, I think we need to watch out. They’re probably going to run the Statue of Liberty!” All of the other coaches said, “They already ran the hook and ladder, Genius! What’s next? You think they might run the old banana-in-the-tailpipe too?” Nobody listened to poor Jimmy Ray. The rest is history.
I say all of that to say this. Wives, listen to your husbands or your baby may explode in an atomic blast while you’re losing a BCS bowl game.
Life Don’t Rhyme,
Greg “Manchild” Owens
